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This is What You Missed Last Month (According To Linux)<\/strong>, in which nightlife it-girl Linux<\/a> takes us behind the velvet rope and into the VIP section of Scene-City. Through her extreme (sometimes exaggerated) lens, Linux gives us the tea on what really happened at every party-of-the-century that floods our Instagram feeds. (A note from the author: don\u2019t take what she says too seriously \u2014 she\u2019s just a club kid after all).<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n We\u2019ve all seen the stolen tweet-turned-meme, \u201cNo, your soulmate is not <\/strong><\/em>at the club.\u201d It\u2019s been recycled on our feeds so often that it\u2019s probably even screen-printed on a vodka-cran-stained t-shirt in my closet by now. But what if I were to tell you, they are<\/em><\/em>? <\/em>What if Prince Charming is right there next to you on the dance floor and you\u2019ve been too close-minded to clock it? Would you call me crazy? Living in a state of delusional optimism? Well, honey, consider me diagnosed with the love bug!<\/p>\n As The New-York Downtown It-Girl (better known by your favorite nightclub owner as Linux), <\/em>I\u2019ve spent a lot <\/em>of my time going out. In fact, I\u2019ve built an entire career on attending the hottest celebrity parties, music festivals and underground raves all over the world \u2014 and writing about it all for PAPER<\/em><\/em>. But just like the working class, I spend a large portion of my life at work, which means I spend a large portion of my life on a packed dancefloor. In today\u2019s economic climate, we must compile our goals to achieve our dreams, which I\u2019ve had to work my all-natural-ass off at finding love in the club.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The old me (last month) would\u2019ve gate-kept this information, that of securing a spouse at the soir\u00e9e. If I wanted my foolproof tactics for a tryst at the tea dance to continue working, why share them with the world? But over Valentine\u2019s weekend, as I was trauma dumped on by one sad single in VIP after another, a wave of emotions came over me. First, I was confused, because damn they really give wristbands to anyone <\/em>these days, don\u2019t they? But then, my heart strings were tugged. How are there so many love-hungry people unaware that they are quite literally <\/em>at the love-buffet? I decided, it\u2019s time Linux gives back.<\/p>\n So with that being said, I\u2019ve created the ultimate guide on how to enter the party single and leave with a rock (or at least some c*ck)! By the time you\u2019re done reading this, you\u2019ll be bagging a man at the clerb<\/em><\/em> and he\u2019ll be bagging your groceries! Or at minimum, slapping on those love bags of yours \u2014 money back, guaranteed! <\/p>\n <\/p>\n In the many languages of love, there are many styles of flirting. What you default to isn\u2019t necessarily what you\u2019re going to run with, but it\u2019s good to know where your natural strengths lie. But this is not a love language <\/em><\/em>piece, this is a love in the club <\/em><\/em>piece! So with that I\u2019ll tell you Google is your friend: do enough research to understand the five basic love languages. Mine is words of affirmation, hence the yap-fest I drown y\u2019all in on a regular basis. Next, you\u2019ll want to figure out your flirting style. There are a few archetypes to channel, ranging from the Seductress who leans on her sexuality, <\/em>to the Jester who uses comedy and wit. Rule number one: never be the Jester. Nobody wants to fuck a clown, and even if they do, I will not allow you to be the clown that they\u2019re fucking! Then after looking within, I want you to throw all those findings into the trash… because if we want to find a lover we\u2019re going to have to sell it<\/em><\/em>.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s all you need to know:<\/p>\n What? Don\u2019t look at me like that. You\u2019re at a party, sweetie, nobody\u2019s being themselves here! <\/p>\n <\/p>\n You can\u2019t complain about not getting any at the club if what you\u2019re offering isn\u2019t matching with what you\u2019re seeking. How\u2019re you gonna be mad at no high-end customers when your storefront is giving everything-must-go? Let\u2019s sort out a few things before we head to the club. In the arena of partying, loud music, crazy lights and substances handicap our senses and in turn our sense of smell holds more weight. So put your best foot forward when it comes to hygiene. I don\u2019t want you leaving the house until you\u2019ve showered and cleaned yourself up nicely. Brush your teeth, and always pack extra gum and breath spray. Deodorant and a travel size bottle of fragrance is non-negotiable. Be prepared to reup at minimum every 30 minutes.<\/p>\n The second sense that reigns supreme in the club is vibe. <\/em><\/em>Whether you love yourself or not is very apparent in moments of excessive showboating like a night out. Coming from a place of sheer confidence is the most attractive thing anyone can do. You can build this by dedicating more time to being the best physical version of you by eating healthy and hitting the gym regularly. You can also build confidence by dedicating time to working through insecurities, traumas and limiting beliefs that hold you back. I personally lovemirror work and daily meditation. Don\u2019t get overwhelmed if you\u2019re not belting the words to \u201cBorn This Way\u201d after day one, the path to loving yourself is a long process. As long as you are consistently putting in the effort to be the most self-assured version of yourself, the rest will fall into place \u2014 and it will be infectious.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n There\u2019s different strokes for different folks, especially in a town like New York City. Here\u2019s where to go, depending on what you want:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Now let\u2019s go about how we\u2019ll initiate an interaction with the object of your affection. There\u2019s two routes we can take: that of the Drake or that of the Swan.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re a Drake<\/strong>, meaning you approach them, there\u2019s extra risk of coming off a bit creepy- guy-at-the-club. We want to avoid that at all costs. That said, you can do something non- abrasive like eye contact between five and ten feet away, nodding with a smirk and looking away. If you are feeling liquid courage, you can give them a to-the-point, non-sexual-yet-sexually-charged-enough compliment:<\/p>\n \u201cGreat outfit.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI love your vibe.\u201d<\/p>\n After the compliment, they\u2019ll likely say, \u201cThank you.\u201d This is when you go into detail about what it is you just complimented using a unique descriptive word. I want you giving drama:<\/p>\n \u201cI like how this necklace is just hanging <\/em>off your body, it\u2019s entrancing.\u201d <\/p>\n \u201cI love the blonde in your hair, it\u2019s very, very striking.\u201d Absolutely never, under any condition offer them a drink or a bump as a greeting. It\u2019s so <\/em>Bush Era.<\/p>\n Never talk badly about something else as an attempt to lift yourself up. You want to remain a blizzard of benevolence with a dash of naughty. This means absolutely no shading the DJ, that drunk person falling all over the place or the venue. This is a stranger you\u2019re approaching, let\u2019s remember, and they could be or be friends with anyone.<\/p>\n If your opponent turns their body towards you and opens themselves up to continue the conversation, you\u2019re ready to move on to the next step. If they turn away or respond with a single word, you\u2019re chopped. On to the next one. It\u2019s not personal, it\u2019s just drag!<\/p>\n If you\u2019re a Swan<\/strong>, that means we need to become the object of their affection.<\/p>\n Find your place on the dance floor either right next to or two people in front of them. Dance for them without making it too obvious. If they\u2019re with a group of people you\u2019re already talking to, lightly flirt with everyone else, then walk a few feet away and continue dancing for them.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re feeling your oats and want to carry, stand within view of them and have your friend ask to take a pic of you (with the flash on if the establishment allows). Pose for about 15 seconds before your friend looks at the phone and screams, \u201cOmg, you look so fucking HOT!\u201d After that, dance for them. <\/p>\n If you\u2019re not the best dancer, save the twirl for your wedding. Post-up at the bar solo and take a really long time to order a drink. You just can\u2019t decide what you want!<\/em><\/em><\/p>\n If you\u2019re a smoker, buy a fresh pack of cigarettes and a few extra lighters. Post up in the smoking section and oblige to bum requests (from hotties only <\/em><\/em>of course). Advanced level: when they ask for a cigarette, look at them with a puppy dog face and say, \u201cI only have one… but we can share it?\u201d If the conversation continues to flow, then you\u2019re ready for the next step.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n We aren\u2019t here to make friends, we are here to get laid. Waste no time in bringing things to the next, sexier, level. You\u2019re now going to pull back a bit, look the person you\u2019ve been talking to in the eye and get verbal confirmation that the other party is truly interested.<\/p>\n If you were a Drake before, say something like, \u201cI\u2019m finding myself really attracted to you.\u201d<\/p>\n If you were a Swan, say, \u201cWhy am I getting the impression that you want me?\u201d<\/p>\n This gives your conquest the opportunity to decline what you\u2019re putting down. Remember, consent takes priority. If you\u2019ve stated your case and the opposing team has claimed disinterested, respect that and keep it moving. Start back at the beginning and try a different approach with a different person in a different room. And don\u2019t get discouraged, this whole thing takes practice!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n So you\u2019ve both admitted you are picking up what the other is putting down. Now, like a riddle, it\u2019s time to retreat leaving everyone confused. I want you to pull all the way back. You\u2019ve already given your new lover a taste of what could be theirs, so let\u2019s take it all away, at least momentarily. This is a time us man-eaters call \u201clying in wait.\u201d <\/em>Ways to do this are:<\/p>\n \u201cWait, I feel bad. I have to go pay attention to my friends I came here with.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOMG, this is my favorite song, I have to go dance to it, I\u2019m sorry!\u201d You want to have given them a dopamine-rush that was so fun and stimulating, then force them to experience the rest of the party with their friends to see first hand that everything lacks in comparison to you. Disappear from the party for a full 30 minutes. Like, legitimately hide from them in the bathroom or something. You want to have them borderline offendedthat you just up and left immediately after coming on so strong. They\u2019ll be fiending for your return.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n After you\u2019ve left your new mate quenching for a tall glass of you, your brain is telling you to loop back around for their number or Instagram on your way out, reaching out to them for a proper date at a later time. But no, bitch, I\u2019m trying to get you married. <\/em>And what does a person do to their wife? They put babies in them! Touch yourself up in the bathroom: some fresh breath spray, new piece of gum and quick spritz of your travel size fragrance. You\u2019re then going to go right back up to this person, put your arms around their shoulders, look into their eyes and whisper seductively in their ear one of the following:<\/p>\n [MASTER LEVEL] If you\u2019re a Samantha: \u201cI really <\/em><\/em>want you to fuck me.\u201d<\/p>\n [ADVANCED LEVEL] If you’re a Charlotte: \u201cI have a feeling we\u2019re gonna get married after tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n [INTERMEDIATE LEVEL] If you\u2019re a Carrie: \u201cI think I\u2019m in love with you.\u201d <\/p>\n [LOSER LEVEL] If you\u2019re a Miranda: Follow the stupid voice in your head and ask for their phone number or Instagram prematurely. Give this whole thing up and run for office or something. You clearly aren\u2019t taking any of this seriously and want to be an unpicked loser for the rest of your life!<\/p>\n Okay, you\u2019ve said the line of all lines… now get outta their damn ear and kiss them. Yes, kiss them! Do it, and do it their way!<\/p>\n Use the first kiss as a way to gauge their preference of tongue or not tongue, lip motion, pressure, romantic or aggressive, or if they just like to keep it pecky. Following the first one, you\u2019ll want to mirror their technique. Because being a good kisser is one thing, but being an incredible kisser is all about giving someone what they want. You can teach them how to kiss properly on your honeymoon. If that all goes well, it\u2019s the moment you\u2019ve all been waiting for.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Now it\u2019s time to pull them by the hand and take them into your office. This can be any place in the club where the vibes are inherently sexy and private. A bathroom stall is good to maintain dignity, however you risk losing their interest or being bombarded by your friends whilst waiting in line. If this is a more upscale establishment, have cash ready to inspire the bathroom attendant to look the other way. If this is a trashy establishment, the darkroom is your temple and it\u2019s time to get on your knees and pray, bitch!<\/p>\n To those reading this that aren\u2019t gay, don\u2019t shy away from the dark room. It\u2019s 2025 and the world is on fire, Dolls in Darkrooms (D.I.D.) are all the rage right now and he will think you\u2019re so <\/em><\/em>cutting edge. The ultimate flex and my favorite is, if you\u2019re running the event, bring them into the green room.<\/p>\n Once there, wherever you are, you\u2019re going to do as much or as little as the both of you are comfortable with. Whether a continuation of that fierce makeout sesh, BJ or full-on penetration. All that matters is that you get them high on your shared sexual chemistry. However far you do go, you never, under any condition let them cum. You want to do this for at least 10 good minutes. Then (and only then Miranda!) you can exchange Instagrams and phone numbers (you\u2019ll want both), before going back to the dancefloor or even better: home.<\/p>\n If you don\u2019t continue the night together and part ways after the in-house hookup, I want you to promise me you will never message, call or text them first. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you and you finally let it cum, it\u2019s yours forever. Or something like that!<\/p>\n Now I\u2019d like to raise a glass and propose a toast: Congratulations to the newlybreds! Oops, I mean newlyweds! What the hell was this column supposed to be about again?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Story: Linux<\/a> <\/br><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This is What You Missed Last Month (According To Linux), in which nightlife it-girl Linux takes us behind the velvet rope and into the VIP […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1044,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[9],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hubpsotemail.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1039"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hubpsotemail.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hubpsotemail.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hubpsotemail.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hubpsotemail.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1039"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/hubpsotemail.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1039\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1055,"href":"https:\/\/hubpsotemail.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1039\/revisions\/1055"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hubpsotemail.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1044"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hubpsotemail.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1039"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hubpsotemail.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1039"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hubpsotemail.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1039"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/h3>\n
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<\/p>\nDecide Who You\u2019re Going to (Pretend) to Be<\/h3>\n
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Put Your Best Self Out There<\/h3>\n
Find Your Audience and Learn Their Theater<\/h3>\n
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<\/p>\nYour First Interaction Once Inside the Club<\/h3>\n
\u201cThe way you carry yourself is almost magnetic.\u201d <\/p>\nMake Your Position Known<\/h3>\n
Retreat and Bide Your Time<\/h3>\n
\u201cUgh, the lighting guy needs something from me, I\u2019ve got to go.\u201d<\/p>\nGo In For the Kill<\/h3>\n
Seal the Deal<\/h3>\n
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Photography and creative direction: Matt Woodruff
<\/a>Art direction: Chris Correa<\/a>
Hair: Sean Bennett<\/a>
Photo assistant: Charles Pierce<\/a>
Extras: Lucas Stowe, Ryan Belman, Jason Elmer<\/em><\/p>\n